CONFLICT, wisdom in dealing with it.

There are three core essentials to a life of ministry:

1.  Intimacy with Christ

2.  The ability to build teams

3.  The ability to handle conflict wisely

Conflict is best defined as “disagreement that involves emotions and values”

CONFLICT is inevitable. -The world is in conflict and whoever steps in as salt and light and as a person of peace is stepping into an environment of conflict.

-Every Relationship will have conflict.  Not only is it inevitable -in order for that relationship to have health, it is required!

Conflict is not an ugly word; it is a natural part of a whole life (It can be made ugly, but it doesn’t have to be!)

Healthy Conflict: 1. Is part of the creative process 2. Is necessary in order to build trust and create bonds 3. Expands an individual’s ability to think, see, and feel.

Unhealthy Conflict destroys: 1. Personhood 2. Godliness 3. Trust 4. Teams

you have to “reframe” conflict

1.  It is necessary (We are all different, we have multiple mindsets, we have multiple values at play).   Personhood is present when conflict is present

2.  IT IS UNHEALTHY WHEN IT IS ABOUT ME. -“I need to matter” -“I need you to like me” -“I need it ‘this way’”

People who know how to love, love.  They can face disagreement and differences and still love and be fine with the other individual.”

People who do not know how to love use “loyalty” as a substitute.  And every disagreement is ultimately about “failed loyalty” and personal rejection.

3.  It is healthy when it is about “WE” -I matter and want to share my idea, thinking, and values -But so do you, and I want to try to value what you value -Four questions dominate my thinking.

a.  What do I want for myself? b.  What do I want for you? c.   What do I want for us? d.   How would I behave if I wanted these results?

Most conflict is seldom really about “the issue”.  Instead, it is the values we hold behind the issue.

There are normally 5 basic values that come into play on complex issues.  The differences between us are normally about which of the 5 means the most to you in this situation.

1.  Kindness to these people matters most to me 2.  Fairness to everyone else matters most to me 3.  Personal freedom and its protection are the highest values here 4.  Social Stability and the rule of law matter the most here 5.  “Forever Truth” matters more than what any of us might think or feel!  

To understand the issue, you don’t start with the debate!  You start by trying to hear, understand, empathize, and value yourself – the core values that drive their thinking.  You identify WITH PEOPLE before you debate with people.  

It doesn’t mean that they have the wisest or most appropriate value for this “particular situation”, but it does mean they have “an integrity issue” that they believe is driving their view. That integrity issue must not be bullied, mocked, or ignored, but instead brought into the conversation.

There is a physical component to conflict

          -The AMYGDALA is the small, walnut-sized, part of your brain that can hijack the whole brain

          -It is the region of the brain that tells you “The HOUSE IS ON FIRE”.  Your physical response will be to: 1. Fight 2. Flight 3. Or Freeze.

         -Your breathing will change, your stomach will tighten, your blood pressure will increase, your palms will get sweaty, etc.

        -And the greatest problem is that it will “turn off” your Prefrontal Cortex, where your reasoning and logic are located.   (In short, it makes you deaf and unreasonable)

        -It becomes easy to do any of the THREE GREAT CRIMES:

1.  Attach physically or verbally

2.  Intimidate or manipulate to get your way

3.  Run away or shut down

         -The Amygdala is real, but you have a choice.  You can either live from the flesh as a beast, or from the Spirit as a Christ follower; you decide in every situation which rules over you.
 

To be a courageous peacemaker requires the courage to “lean into” conflict.

-“The room is feeling tense….what is happening here with our thoughts and feelings?”

-“You seem pretty connected to your thoughts. What do you feel like we are missing?”

-“What do you want me to hear that I am not hearing”?

-“I think you may be wrestling with a core integrity issue that you are not sure I am getting. Can you help me see that better?”
 

and it requires a Biblical roadmap.

-Proverbs 3:3-5 (NLT)

-Philippians 2:1-3

-Matthew 18  principle

-Matthew 5 principle

-Ephesians 4:25-32…